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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Tree Huggers make chocolate?!?!

This year it happened...my husband's wack-a-doo leftwing nutjob family crossed the line. Severely crossed MY line in the sand. [Now, normally - I don't get involved in politics, I really could care less. Well, actually that is not completely true. I like to watch the rabid battles from the side lines and laughingly ad-lib conversations, subtitle photos and generally create generic assumptive nicknames for the people involved. What YOU believe in; I could care less - Please feel free to do whatever floats your canoe...just please, do not float your canoe in my pond...]

Ok. Having gotten all that out of my system. I am now going to associate chocolate with leftwing, fanatical, progressive, tree-huggers. Oh, you know the kind. They're pretty and colorful and have fancy names...NO! Not the liberals! The chocolate they buy you! It's a ruse. And being the intended recipient of this farce has upset and angered me, akin to a sleeping bear being poked at with a stick.

It came all unassuming like - in a box filled with all sorts of goodies for the entire family. Books and games for the kiddies and Whoa-ho! Low and behold there is chocolate for Mommy! This could be better than Christmas. This event is so epic in its monumental proportions that light shone down from heaven and music errupted from the cherub like creatures in my imagination. Staring me bold-faced were 5, yes, count them F-I-V-E beauteous bars for my edification - yes, I meant edification.

Clearly, EDIFICATION...as these bars were morally superior to all other bars. They were free trade bars. Not only were they free trade bars...they were made with purely organic ingredients. These bars were made for the morally conscious by the socially responsible. These were "Tree Hugger Bars".

Now, for those of you whom are not familiar with THBs...I've got something to tell you...These bastards lie. THEY LIE, DAMNIT!

I near knocked down a small child in my progress to get these splendid things to the kitchen. My husband was right on my heels. I was determined to shove as much of this prettily papered and aptly named, "Dark Chocolate with Raspberries" bar into my mouth as I could before he knocked me down and wrassled it from my hot and melty grasp.

And that is when I discovered the giant tree hugger lie. Tree huggers state that they use "raw organic sugar cane" and other sugar-ish sounding substances in their bars; but in actuality they use petty hate and cynicism.

I'm now fairly certain that some type of war crime was committed in my mouth. I threw the remains at my husband. I chewed purely out of my retaliating hatred for this horrible trick - to make him think he was going to reap the same glorious bounties I just had. I made that child of Liberalist Nazis realize the fruits of their avant-garde labors. He ate it. He gagged. He screamed at me in abhorrence and shock, "Where the fuhk is the sugar?!?!" It was not just me...

And now I know that tree hugger chocolate is a lie. I'm not sure what I ate. I know it was not the sugary goodness I've come to know and love called, "Chocolate". I'm not even sure it can hold a candle to that crap in Sixlets. What I do know is that I now have declared war on tree huggers...and their chocolate.