Oh, That Man Of Mine!

Most recently, I posted an exchange between my husband and myself as my Facebook status.  For those of you not on good ole FB, it went like this -

Me: Want one?
The Hubs: No, I'm bloated.  I need to burp...or shit, or fart...or something.

I received various replies, ranging from laughter to dumbfounded wonder that I would post something like that about him.  This made me feel compelled to share a few things (things I think of all the time, but rarely put to voice).  So, here are my reasons for sharing that specific post (first on FB and then once more on my blog).

1. It made me laugh.  It made me laugh when he said it.  It made me laugh when I thought about it and posted it; and it's still making me laugh at this precise moment.  My husband's sense of humor is quiet and 'off', but I get it and that's all that matters.

2. Ever go out with your friends and someone says something stupid/outrageous/insane and it sort of becomes the theme for the evening?  Imagine if you would: he's my best friend, and I'd rather sit on the couch with him than do anything else, even 'go out'...and this became my theme that evening.  [think now a kid asking me to do anything...I could respond, "No, I'm bloated.  I need to burp...or shit, or fart...or something." and then just sit staring at them.  The possibilities for me to reuse this suddenly became endless.]

3.  I would have expected this response from the boy I first met on New Year's Eve 1998 [Tugger - seriously, I'm so sorry I bit you. Get over it already.]  You see,  he's exactly the same.  Nothing's changed.  Well, not nothing (he's got some chest hair now and I've bullied him into no longer tucking in his t-shirts) but you get the point.  He is who he is, and while sometimes infuriating...it's mostly glorious.  Dorkdom at its finest, and I adore it.

4. We've been together for fifteen years now.  And *nearly* everything about him makes me giddy.  And people wonder how we've gotten that, how we've held onto it and how it works.  It's simple.  I can be me, and he can be him and it's safe.  And we laugh.  We laugh over stupid comments about being bloated.  We laugh over spilled milk and we sure as hell will laugh about any other random thing that befalls us in this life.

5.  I shared it because I could.  See the above.  It's who I am.  I'm an ass.  I make no qualms about it.  You say something stupid and I'm probably going to tell the world you did.  Merely because I can.  And he still loves me for it (and sometimes I might even venture to say because of it).

So, as part of this backhanded homage to my bloated & gassy husband...I love you.  Even if you stink.

Hello Operator! Please Give Me Number Nine!

Most recently, our home has seen an influx in its fascination with the telephone.  The younger kids are becoming chatterboxes and want to talk to everyone, and my oldest, my pride and joy; Thing 1 - is starting to call her girlfriends.  If this is a preview of what my next 10 years are going to be like counseling on social issues...we are in for some big trouble.

This child banters away with her father while he is out of town.  Calls both her grandmothers.  Conversation full of what is important to the typical eight-year-old: we did this at school, I read this book, we're eating this for dinner.  No problems, right?  Wrong!

[phone rings]
Me: Thing 1 answer that, please?
Thing 1: [picks up phone, puts to ear]  blink, blink.
And she just stands there.  Mouth agape.  Saying nothing.  Nada.  Zip, zero, zilch.
Me: Baby, you have to say Hello.
Ultimately, I take the phone from her, and if the person on the other end is brave, they have endured this silence patiently.

Onward, right?  It has to get better from here...

Thing 1: Mommy, I want to call Lucy.
Me: Ok, do you know what you're going to say?
Thing 1: No.
[we do some role play, so she can better understand, we even discuss the terrifying voicemail beep]

Thing 1 dials.  The phone rings.  I can hear someone answer.
Me: [whispering] Baby....ask 'Is Lucy there?  May I speak with her?'
Thing 1: [panic stricken] LUCY!
I hear talking on the other end, but cannot make it out...
Thing 1: LUCY!!!
Me: OMG, honey...tell them who you are, ask to S-P-E-A-K to Lucy.
Thing 1: IT'S THING 1, LUCY?

Her eyes get huge.  I think she might be about to throw up.  Suddenly, she hangs up the phone and pretty much throws it back at me.  This whole exchange passed within the span of maybe 2 minutes, tops...I must act quickly!  Before she bolts from the room, I seize her elbow.

Me: Honey, was Lucy home?
Thing 1: I don't know, I just couldn't wait any more, so I hung up.