Recently, I was out for a jog. Well, it's more of an ugly walk, but that's a story for another day...jogging, right? I was jogging and thinking to myself. Wait? I had time to think? I had time to jog? I looked over my shoulder to make sure there wasn't some kid trailing behind me screaming, "MOMMY! WAIT UP!" I was alone.
It then dawned on me that I was alone for the first time in years. The kids were at home, happily playing in the driveway I just ventured from. Their father was in the kitchen (which overlooks the driveway) doing the dishes. [Yes, he does the dishes! It was a stipulation of marriage...if you're not married, I'm happy to tell you my secret some other day] I was alone. No one was crying out for my assistance for basic needs. No one was waiting for me to get this, do that, say this, go there.
It was liberating! It was fantastic! It was depressing... I stopped mid-stride and choked back a few tears. Over the past few months, I've been coming to grips that I would never again have another baby. No more sleepless nights blurring into zombified days. No more endless snuggles and falling asleep on the couch together. No more powdery baby smells.
I've watched as my 4YO daughter asserted her sense of self and chose a sassy haircut that was totally "her", and anything but baby-ish. I've stood aside as my 8YO has struggled with friendships and finding her place in the world, stepping in only when she's chosen to involve me. I've sadly smiled at my 6YO's quirkiness and my heart has broken when he realized he's different from the other kids. But this Momma-bird has let her babies fly freely since they were able (but still been attentive and mindful of what's happening).
I've made jokes. I've dreamed of this day. I've planned and plotted and excitedly wished it would come. And it's here. And I take it all back! I TAKE IT BACK, I TELL YOU! I miss fat baby feet that beg for me to bite & kiss. In their place, stink and grody toe jam have taken over. I long for the feeling of sweet baby fuzz to nuzzle, because now I've got grown up hair, hair cuts and shampoos.
Over the course of the last few days, these things have taken their toll and I've found that men may have a corner market on the mid-life crisis, but that as Moms, I think we might take the cake on the growing up blues. Don't get me wrong...I want them to grow up. I can't wait to see what awesomeness these three are going to achieve. I can't wait to experience the rest of their lives with them...I'm just sad it's happening so quickly.
So, if you would be so kind: let me hold your baby for just a moment, stop telling me how big my kids have gotten since you've last seen them and most of all - be patient with me when I randomly stare at you with teary eyes...I'm growing into my new self too.
