Oh....That Bitch!

Recently, I was seduced by television. My cell contract was up, and my husband had been traveling. I felt lost. I was lonely…and there, on my TV in my livingroom was this woman talking to her cell phone. “Where is the closest restaurant?” “Why does it snow?” “Where do you hide dead bodies?” Ok, you caught me. The ad didn’t say the last thing, but Hell…I could still ask it that. I decided right then and there I needed this fabulous gadget. One that could remind me of things I’d been constantly forgetting. One that could schedule Dr. appointments on my calendar. One that could txt my husband for me while I was driving. Yes. I was in love.

As luck would have it, while everyone else was on a two week waiting list for this fancy piece of technology…I made one phone call and received her two hours later. Ahhh. “Honey, where’s her manual?” Oh, there isn’t one. That’s lame. Ok. I poke some buttons. I swipe my finger over this and that. AHA! I shall load my music library! I run upstairs. I begin the transformation from mere phone into that of personal jukebox. Wait…did she just crash? [sigh] I reboot. I reinstall the software per the instructions appearing on my screen. I reboot. I go to make a call…all my contacts are gone. Seriously? SERIOUSLY??? I swear. I start over. It crashes again. I swear some more.

What’s happening? I don’t get it. It’s supposed to be easy to use. And I’m not stupid…Ok, ok…I’m not *THAT* stupid. It crashes again. ‘GOODNESS ME THE CLOCK HAS STRUCK, A-LACK-A-DAY AND FUHK MY LUCK!!!” I swear more. I go downstairs in near tears. “What did I just do? This seemed like such a great idea. I’ve been so disorganized lately. I just was trying to restore order…and THAT BITCH hates me.” At this point my husband rolls his eyes at me. He points out that he’s pretty sure that the phone, while being voice activated didn’t receive a ‘spite chip’ instead of a smart one. Hilarious. Notice my laughter? >:|

I go back upstairs. More swearing. More crashing. More data loss. More sense of impending dread. Finally, BJ steps in with minimal damage to my pride. “Can I look at it? I’d like to play around…” “Uh sure, just remember – that bitch might hate you too.” Somehow, the brilliant man I married sweet talks that bitch into cooperating with me.

Me and that bitch are currently BFFs. She’s told me where I can find escort services when I am horny. She’s told me where good places are to hide dead bodies. She’s told me that our public library is a good place to get a beer when I am thirsty. She’s provided hiding places for misplaced socks – you know when I need one to shove in my kid’s whiney mouth. I’d almost venture to say that I loved her…that is, until she erased all my stored data when I tried to upload a new ringtone.

“Siri, what will happen if I smash you?” “Hmmm…I’m checking.” Time’s a ticking, Siri…Time’s a ticking…