Yesterday, I had a moment...as I watched a video about Moms. It was voiced over by a small child stating, "SHHHH! My mom is sleeping. She's very tired..." It went on to tout all the things this child understands that their mom did for them. It was bittersweet, and heartbreaking; and I cried. I cried a lot.
I cried because I too fall asleep when they practice piano. I too, am so very tired that I feel it in my bones. But mostly I cried because I'm terribly afraid my children would not say these things about me, were they to be asked.
Maybe my expectations on myself as a SAHM are a bit harsh. I make most of our meals from scratch, and with love. Never is someone without their favorite article of clothing because it is dirty. My home is always tidy. I tell each child I'm proud of them and that I love them every single day...and yet; I feel it's not enough. That I'm failing. That somehow I'm ruining them. And that I'm alone, because, well mainly; other moms don't sit around discussing their shortcomings or that they have the same plights.
And maybe they do.
I have little patience with my own children. I yell too much. I repeat myself at the cost of sounding like a broken record of nagging sounds. Play dates are few and far between. I'm victim to overusing my "Later Card" (always telling them I'll have time to do whatever they're asking about "later"). I'm always distracted because I need to do this, this or that.
And maybe other moms sit down at the end of their day and feel defeated too.
...and every time I notice myself doing (or not doing, as it were) all of these things, or having these thoughts, I stop and say, "I'm going to do better today." My daily struggle.
So, today, I'm not doing the dishes on my own. And I'll not make a kid do them as their chore. Instead I'll ask for someone to help me, and while they do, we'll talk about their friends. Not school. Not how their day went - but about their friends that I rarely ask about.
Today, I'm not going to make dinner on my own. I'll ask for a different child to help me prepare it, and while we do I'll pinch their little butt and tell them how big they're getting and how beautiful/handsome they are, and that I'll really miss the days they're too grown up to butt-pinch any more.
And today, I'm not going to yell. Even if they're doing something incredibly mean, or stupid, or wrong. Instead I'll walk over and just hug them so tight it hurts them to breathe. ...and when they ask what that was for, I'll respond that they must have needed a hug because they seem upset. And maybe, just maybe there will be a little less yelling in here today.
And hopefully, no matter how remotely, I'll succeed at one or more of these things and at the end of the day when everyone is tucked in; I won't feel like a miserable failure. And maybe, just maybe someone will ask my kids about me and they'll respond, "My mom? Yeah, she's crazy but she tries real hard and loves me & gives me the best hugs ever."
