Let me start off by saying, "I've not been OK." That sentence wasn't said in hopes of outreach, concern or anything futher...this post has so much more purpose than that. What I am hoping for is that if YOU are not OK, or you know someone who is not OK - that maybe my journey these last few weeks can help you; as I realized the next step for me being OK was to take to a healing space I know I'm good at and have silenced for far, far too long: my writing.
First, while it is OK to NOT be OK, it is NOT OK to wallow here, without trying to find your OK. Easier said than done bc pulling yourself up by your bootstraps or climbing out of a dark hole w/o a ladder are simple in theory but rarely uncomplicated feats. So, I'll start there.
I have insomnia. Have dealt with it all my life. It's manageable until it is not, which typically starts my spiral out of control. So, I took off my FitBit. I'm sleeping like shit, if I even sleep. No need to constantly remind myself with actual numbers how abysmal it is. My body is telling me how bad it is. Also, having my heart race during the day so that it buzzes and tells me that I'm doing a great job working out, while having a panic attack probably wasn't optimal either. Peace out...I'll put you back on, but not today...not even tomorrow.
I have the most amazing support sytem of ppl I've known for years. Ppl who get me, even when I cannot tell them what is wrong. And they showed up. They held me while I cried. They sat with me while I stared off into space. They gave me meaningful conversation as I tried to work through my stressors. ***TRUTH BOMB INCOMING*** What they did NOT do was tell me "You shouldn't be worrying about that. You can't let this get to you." And you know why they didn't say that? Because we ALL knew the futility of that statement, and how UNHELPFUL it is. You think I didn't know that my stress was being caused by something I had little to no control over, and that in the greater scheme of things it deep down was a silly reason to be stressed to the point of being detrimental to my health? I sure knew it, but the mind is a fascinating thing that does what it does, and that is mostly beyond our control. Stop telling ppl that the thing that is making them not OK is a nothing burger and to just let it go. Thinking 100% of the population would just do that if they could.
Read the room. Ask someone who is not OK what they need. And if you know, truly know they are not ok and they still don't tell you - they could be ashamed, or don't want to burden you (see comment that they KNOW their stressor might be seen as silly) or just are private...find a way to non-intrusively show up and throw the bread crumb that you care. I got an ecard. An offer to go get dinner when I felt up to it. Numerous hugs. Most importantly, I was given the space to find my way and heal while knowing I was not alone...I was seen. That is so necessary for so many of us going through some shit.
When you're in the shit, and not OK...try to remember what makes you happy and do that. I've crocheted. Laid in a hammock. Eaten bread. These little things on their own can't fix it, but they can mend some of the holes in your boat to help you start floating again, instead of drowning. And today, right now; I'm patching a huge hole just by turning on my ancient laptop and typing all this.
Use what privilege you have. I have the privilege of PTO. I took numerous days off for mental health while I figured out how to get me back to OK. I'm lucky that when I want to splurge money on an assload of cookies, I can go to the store with someone and buy an entire basket full to share with the ppl who make me happy.
Don't take sunlight for granted. If you are in a dark place...sun can help chase the shadows, even briefly. I walked among my flower garden and watched the bees. It was cathartic to see nature carrying on around me, while I felt like I was falling apart - see the beauty in that...or help someone else see it.
Try to learn. The signs and symptoms that lead up to falling into the well. Pay attention sooner if you find yourself on that path again (or you're walking with someone heading there). Maybe it can be prevented. Maybe it can't...but being aware will help all that may follow. And know that help is out there. I'm lucky enough I just needed to unplug from "life" in order to sort mine out...but so so many need more. There are doctors, helplines, programs through work, outreach centers. Know them, and drag yourself there if you have to. Whatever it takes.
Mental health struggles are not a small mater, no matter the issue. We need to stop treating them like they are, or joking about it. It is absolutely OK to not be OK. And sometimes we need to not be OK for a short while in order to find our way through to the OK...but never ever live in the Not OK.
Thank you for coming to my TedTalk, and maybe, once I'm back to OK and my sarcastic self, I'll be back to entertain you with something humorous, but for now I'm going to quietly continue to fully find my OK.
