To Mascara or Not to Mascara

So, have you ever found yourself living out little events in your mind? I needless to say, have a very vivid imagination. Just this AM, I found myself driving to work...following a [it had to be a stupid woman by the way she couldn't drive...giving the rest of our gender such a bad rap] freak who was all over the on-ramp on the highway. We're doing 40, no - 20, no - 50, back down to 30. She's in her lane, she's swerving toward the CONCRETE guardrails. She's back in her lane. WTF?

My mind has raced through all of the possibilities at this point to explain the erratic driving. She just had a stroke and is trying to save her life and keep it on the road until she can pull over...no. There is a killer bee in her car that is trying to attack her and she's trying to shoo it out the window...no. She is mentally retarded, and should not be driving, but her mom was too drunk to drive to McDonalds, and she was hungry...no. Hmmm, what could it be then?

The on-ramp comes to an end, and I have the opportunity to pass her - low and behold! She's applying her make up. And not just any make up...MASCARA! And her window is open. Well, I don't know about you, but I many times struggle not to poke my eye out with that junk AND I'M ONLY STANDING AT MY BATHROOM VANITY!!! My mind wanders. I imagine her hitting a pothole and gouging that adorable baby blue out with a mascara wand. The horror when she arrives in the ER, having caused a 15 car pile up in the middle of rush hour, only to find they can't reattach it b/c there is too much goo to dredge out. What if her eye, heaven forbid, flung out the window at 60mph? What if I drove over it? Poor woman...how would she be able to apply the other eye tomorrow???

Seriously...how do some of these people get drivers licenses?

Checks in the Express Lane?!?

Is it just me, or do you go into the Express Lane check out because you are in a hurry? You quick went to the store and picked out only a smidgen of what is on your monstrous list at home, but this is what you truly NEED to get dinner on the table this evening. And, you still have a million things to do before you can get dinner started, and that list is also growing exponentially. Any way...

So, you take your 3 items into the line very clearly marked 7 items or less and you wait. Wait. What is taking so long? You browse the person in front of you who is monopolizing the clerk. You can quickly count well over 15 items. No mistake. This was not an accident! Oooh, she knew she had way more than the allotted 7 items when she stepped into the fast lane.

Hmm, maybe she can't read. Cut her some slack you tell yourself. There are many illiterates (and most definitely loads of them inhabiting your fairly mid-to-upper class neighborhood), and soccer moms could fit into this category...(at this point my mind begins to mentally doodle the woman in front of me struggling to read a See Dick & Jane Run book). Poor illiterate...WHAT!?! Are you kidding me???

Suddenly, poor illiterate soccer mom who has more than her allotment pulls out a check book and proceeds to write an actual check for the cashier! Oh, she is writing. Very nice penmanship, btw - I digress...Illiterate, non-counting; my rather frazzled, in a hurry - ass!

The clerk looks at me and rolls her eyes with this, "I am so sorry" face. Sweetie - you are about 18, right? Wouldn't it be more fun at this point to at least provide me with some entertainment (i.e. soccer mom writhing in humiliation)? See that microphone you have there by your register? How 'bout you hop on it and tell everyone in the store that Chelsea Check-writer has now gone over her grocery limit AND is writing a check. WRITING A CHECK!!!

I might as well have grocery shopped my entire list by the time I leave the store. I rush back home to relieve my husband of child-care duties to hear, "What took so long? I thought you only had to pick up a couple of things..."