Stop Humping The...Telephone?!?

So, saying, "Stop humping the telephone, Vern..." wasn't in my list of the top 10 things I might say during the course of my day today.  But, it was in fact, something I did say.  Oye!

See, my husband is kind of amazing.  And he likes to spoil me.  Enter Vern: my new robotic vacuum.  I *may* have mentioned that I wanted one.  Well, he thought to help eliminate some of my stress around the holidays and my compulsive need to vacuum every five hours or so, and thus - I became the proud owner of Vern, my automated vacuum.

I proudly plugged Vern in to charge last night and couldn't wait to unleash him this morning.  The directions say he'll vacuum for two hours for a total of about 2100 sq. ft.  Well...that's enough power to easily do my entire first floor!  Go Vern!  And because I'm mainly psychotic, I felt the need to follow him around for a large portion of my morning to discover what he would actually vacuum. 

Here is what I've discovered:

1. My cat, also likes to follow Vern around, with a 100% judgmental look on her face
2. My dog is unimpressed by Vern and refuses to get up, forcing Vern to vacuum around her
3. Vern has now vacuumed under my dining room table seven times. [Jesus, it must be REALLY dirty under there...]
4. Vern is a primadonna and refuses to brave the carpet lip into my living room and vacuum in there; yet - 
5. Vern enjoys going baja'ing and flipping over my throw rugs in the kitchen
6. Vern thinks charging cords are food and will stick around trying to eat them
7. Vern especially enjoys driving up on...  "Goddamnitall, Vern!  Stop humping the telephone!"

Vern drove right up on the house phone and dock that is on the floor next to the couch in my family room.  I shouted at him [like he was one of my unruly children] and ran over to move him off of my freaking phone.  "Vern, what's wrong with you?  Stay off the telephone!" I admonished.  

At this point I walked away to do some other chore.  Five minutes later, I hear a weird grinding noise coming from the...oh, you guessed it!  Vern was back humping the phone again.  His little wheels moving him back & forth, up & down on top of the phone and docking station.  Oh.  My.  Gawd.

I picked him up once more and set him back down close by.  I now realize that he's not merely lonely, but has a phone fetish.  Best to nip this in the bud.  I pick up the phone and rest it and the dock on the arm of the couch.  There.  That'll fix you...

Having the root of temptation removed, Vern was free to go about his business and finish sucking up life's little messes.  And while Vern won't replace my vacuuming totally, he's good at alleviating my psychotic need to tidy up all the time.  But a word of advice should you get your own Vern...don't let him hump your phone.