Firmly Grounded, But With Great Shoes

I have a stiletto addiction. There, I said it. It’s quite pathetic, actually. Ice pick heels that are a minimum of 4” just make my day, especially if they are 9 West. I have no idea why…well, actually I do. See, I find stilettos, if you can walk in them; the most liberating and forgiving of all shoes. Here’s why:

Got a big butt? Not in stilettos you don’t! You’ve suddenly got small ankles and svelte calves. You’ve got an amazing talent for walking on the equivalent of a tightrope with bound toes. Ahhh, refreshing. Got Coach Bags under your eyes, all packed from one of your recent all-nighters? Not in stilettos…Trust me. Once you strap a fashionable pair of these slick puppies on, no one is looking at your face with anything other than dumbfounded admiration for the monumental feat you have just pulled off. Ears that stick out? A lazy eye? Having a bad hair day? Stilettos can fix ALL of that.

Now, I’ll admit that most of my stilettos don’t go with the rest of my “White trash active Mom” wardrobe. Sometimes, I’ll admit people stare strangely when I grocery shop in my stilettos. Hey, I’m just trying to relive a tiny bit of the good ole days and pretend to be June Cleaver. Nevermind that I’m not wearing a dress or pearls…my sweatpants and ratty t-shirt with bleach stains are the modern equivalent.

Now, now…I know what you are thinking – those things are uncomfortable. Well, so is my underwear, which proper etiquette dictates that I wear every day. I personally find stilettos to be very comfortable – so I’d normally say, “Suck it up!” But, in defense, I’m going to list a few of the reasons that stilettos are so wonderful; outside of keeping your tootsies dry in a rainstorm.

 If you are being attacked, a stiletto can also serve as a weapon of self defense
 Wearing stilettos can near immediately get you labeled as a bitch – which can also be a great self preservation mechanism for anyone who is easily walked upon my their acquaintances
 When thrown with the proper velocity, a stiletto can knock down a kid who’s been wrongdoing, from about 20 paces (think boomerang here)
 Strangely, your boobs are elevated to a new level where most men are nearly FORCED to actually look at your face for once.
 Stilettos take mere moments to put on and take off…no more trying your laces
 With much less surface area – it is much more difficult to actually get dog poop on your shoe
 Stilettos can send a message – anything from “FU, I’m not interested in your silliness” to “I’d really like to FU” if worn properly

And never, ever forget…stilettos look totally hot with those sweatpants.