Typically this time of year I find myself cursing snow. This year is no exception, but I find my curses are much louder and for completely different reasons!
Normally, I hate how we are dumped on with Lake Effect snow belts and the natives to this frozen tundra seem to forget where they live six months of the year – preferring to believe they live in a warm & balmy state that does not get oodles of the white stuff. Or, so their driving would imply. Come on people, you drove in this crap last year! You should know better than to mash on your brakes on a bridge – it’s frozen, and you ARE going to slide. Seriously, are you tailgating me in this near white out? You should know, I have a manual transmission and I love to screw with people like you who violate my personal space…by jamming my Rugged Jeep down a gear to slow suddenly without ever touching my brake. I’m sure my spare tire will look lovely mounted/embedded in your hood.
Instead this month, I look around to the amazingly dreary place I call home. There is no snow to cover the fact that trees just look sickly this time of year. The soggy mud laden ground is not a wintery wonder to behold and lastly, there is NOTHING preventing my allergies from acting up. Yes. That godforsaken snow limits my misery for a few months out of the year due to nasal allergies. Instead, the blustery cold winds are whipping up some sort of unknown spore or pollen or random pieces of smoot that I am horribly allergic to. Are you kidding me? This is my payment for wishing for no snow?
Yesterday morning I woke up resembling Eric Stoltz from Mask. Well, either him or the Elephant Man. You can take your pick. In any case, I look like I had taken about six bee stings to the eye. It was nearly swollen shut. I had trouble breathing. My kids screamed and ran away from me in horror. Hell, I may have the greatest idea in biological warfare. Crop dust the enemy with the pollen of whatever, to the point of no escape and watch as they blow their noses, dry their watery itchy eyes, cough in dry throated terror and wallow in the depths of self pity; all the while wondering, “Where can I get something to treat this crap?!?!”
So far today, I’ve washed down two Benadryl, a Zyrtec, some Nasonex, 3 Extra Strength Tylenol with a steaming hot cup of detox tea. The swelling in my face is finally starting to subside, and I’ve been graced enough to be able to utter more than the feeble, “Mmmmfshs shhhfb,” this morning to the Nanny as I stumbled out the door for work. The side effects though have ranged from a slight twitchiness to the shakes and some random Tourrettes thrown in (yes, I’m talking about the loudly shouted swear word kind…)
Dear Mother Nature – I changed my mind…I’d like the snow back. And while you’re at it…[insert another Tourettes outbreak here]!
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