Masters of Multitasking?

It has become official. I've seen everything. I find that a simple drive home from work provides me with enough thrills, disappointments, sense of accomplishment and shock to last the rest of my life. Every day, I'm able to thank God that I was able to maneuver through the sea of idiots on the road and merely arrive at my destination in one piece.

While everyone is no stranger to the rampant texter or the SCREAMING guy on the phone in traffic, I have to wonder if you've all witnessed the things that have now permanently scarred me. I also believe that my karma has taken a severe hit with regard to these skilled navigators with the lovely and refreshing thoughts I've had about each...

One morning, while in the busiest part of our highway referred to as "the Can of Worms", I watched an extremely haggard looking woman apply her mascara at 45mph. Was it wrong of me to pray she poked her eye out, smashed into the concrete divider and died in a fiery mass roadside?

I don't know about you, but I couldn't walk & read a book to save my life - let alone drive, but one very charming guy was doing just that one lazy afternoon. Did I mention he was reading "The Help" while also drinking what I assumed to be a venti horkin fiber chunked latte? Too perverse to hope he got to the part about the pie and blew latte from his nose all over his windshield, veered erratically off the road to smash his little Jaguar in a mud covered ditch?

One woman gave new meanings to the term "drive it like you stole it". When I bravely approached passing on the driver's side, I noted that she was knitting. Now, I'm all for knitting circles, but I don't think a steering wheel is the circle intended. Should I repent for imagining her impaling her skull with said needle into the back of her head rest?

Imagine if you would: I'm driving on the highway in the middle of three lanes - no one to my left OR my right. Yet, strangely, behind me is a gentleman in his giant SUV careening to and fro while tailgating me so closely, I cannot determine what brand of SUV he's driving. Did I fail to mention my three small children are in the car with me? Hmmm. Sorry to have left that detail out. I was happy to see, however, that this gentleman, upon *finally* passing me, had enough skill to give me the finger while talking on the phone, eating some delish little tidbit from Timmy Ho's AND typing out an email of some sort on. his. laptop. I silently requested that if God were to ever give me just one thing...it would be the F-bomb strategically located in that email to a very important customer who would randomly pull all their business.

Everyday on my ride home, I marvel at the little things, such as people second knuckle deep into their nose, people changing their clothes or even turning around to chastise an unruly child. And I wonder...when did we get so self important that we couldn't take a moment to do any of these things (above) BEFORE leaving our home or place of business.

A word of caution? Don't tailgate me. I'm known for sinisterly down-shifting gears without the use of a brake...and then calmly praying for your demise from whatever extracurricular activity you're partaking in - even if it IS knitting ME a sweater.