I Love the Smell of Napalm in the Morning

Nightmares.  Cold sweats. Paranoia.  Feeling anxious.  Loss of sleep.  I'm starting to think that I suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder...."But, Cathy," you say.  "You've never been in the military, been shot at or suffered any sort of life altering altercation that forever changed you.  It can't be possible."  Well, not making light of anyone who has ever served our nation, but this disorder affects many, and I feel...if you've ever been regularly on-call - you might have PTSD as well.

Let me explain:

For an entire week (out of a month) from the hours of 10pm - 7am M-F I am at the mercy of an on-call phone. These hours are much extended through the weekend.  This phone beeps, rings, buzzes and is nothing short of hell on earth.  I can't sleep.  Motor skills fail.  Normal thought process has a break down.  I begin to think I hear people talking about me.  I form conspiracy theories (ok, you caught me.  I form MORE than usual)  And granted, it may have been due to rampant caffeine consumption - I have had waking hallucinations.  I've awoken from a tortured slumber shouting, "I have to call the customer!"  And, most importantly, I know all of the shit hit the fan on my watch on purpose.  You did it, didn't you?!?!

And then there is relief.  The following Monday morning, bright and early at 7am, I arrive at my office.  I'm haggard.  I'm pissed off.  I'm psychotic (again...a bit more than normal, OK?  Don't judge me!).  I'm temporarily deaf in my left ear and for a brief moment I smile.  Sinisterly.  I place the on-call phone on the desk of one of my beloved coworkers and maniacally laugh that it is now going to be their pain and not mine.  MANIACAL LAUGH!

I spend the entire next week trying to reclaim missed hours of slumber (I've even been known to skip dinner to catch a nap on the couch).  I walk around jumping at every buzz or ring in my house - having awful flashbacks to my most recent on-call.  I refuse to answer any phone.  There are still nightmares, though.  Visions of dastardly hackers finding their way into my home & personal life through my unsecured computer and/or voicemail.  I get the shakes even worse as I begin to wean myself off of the caffeine.

I spend the following week vegging out and enjoying a life outside of work.  I play with my kids.  I make dinners.  I bake.  I smile more.  I'm able to write blog posts.  I notice that my husband is a wonderful human being.  The Delirium Tremors have mostly stopped.  I'm free to call and text and answer phones and surf the interwebs.  I've stopped wishing plague upon the masses.

Just about the time that I think I won't need any personal therapy and will be able to continue my life in a relatively happy and somewhat normal function, I go back on-call.  AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!  And the vicious circle continues...