2013 was the year of the lunatic. This year saw all my kids in school. All my kids being driven to and fro between piano lessons and swim lessons and various other engagements. It provided our first family vacation in four years. There was family drama. We celebrated our tenth year of marriage, and our 15th year with each other. Our kids' quirkiness came out in leaps and bounds. It all left me exhausted. And happy. And frustrated. And thoughtful.
This year I noticed and listened to my children yell at each other. I heard them yell room to room. I witnessed them yelling at me and their father. I heard their father yelling back. I stepped outside myself and saw the freak-show I could become. And I thought to myself, 'This is not what I want to be teaching them.' This year is going to be different...GODDAMNIT! [ugh: I even yell on here!]
I've enlisted the help of my family. I'm going to pretend I'm soft spoken. I'm going to breathe deeply and I'm going to walk into the other room, or walk from the room - depending on the situation.
No more, "HEY! TURN THAT DOWN!"
Never again with the, "WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH WERE YOU THINKING?!?!"
Screamed, "WTF..." at kids, the husband, the cats, extended family, other people's stupidity, shall not come to pass. Ok, maybe not on the other people's stupidity...I am only human after all!
Daunting, I know. But hey, I've figured out and mastered most other things in life I've put my mind to...I refuse to allow this one to be any different. I'll probably fail a million times, but as long as I try again, there will always be one less shouting match had.
I've come up with replacement strategies: Leaving my kitchen (maybe a few burned dinners will drive this point home) to get the TV, radio or child volume lowered with a tap on the shoulder and a quietly spoken, "Please turn that down?" When any number of daily atrocities committed by the small humans in my house is discovered; kneeling down to their height and calmly asking, "What happened. Can I have the full story, including your thoughts on why you did that/it happened?" And when all else fails, I'm going to take a deep breath and walk away.
2014, it is my goal to be asked, "What? What did you just say, Mommy?" When this happens more often than not, I'll consider myself successful...and I'll then have my goal of 2015 - ensuring that no one had lasting hearing damage...
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Friday, December 6, 2013
No, I Don't Want No Anal Probe...
It's no lie, we're big on games. And silliness. We try to keep the laughter in between the psychotic outbursts of everyday parenting. It's no different when we adventure outside our home.
On the rare and special occasion that the five of us pack up and hit a restaurant, I expect my kids to be on their best behavior. They do not bring toys into a restaurant, and we don't check our phones repeatedly. It's a special occasion for the love of God...we need to treat it as such. To keep little ones entertained, we rely on some good old fashioned fun while waiting for our meal (and therefore learning patience while fostering our imaginations). Normally we play I spy, but Wednesday we ventured into new territory: 20 Questions.
Since I was explaining the game to my older two while the hubs took our youngest potty, I got to think of 'the thing'. I should have seen it coming, as he's a little less skilled in the art of herding cats than I (his strengths in our duo lie in other avenues...such as patience). This is the Cliff Notes version of how the game went (all in the span of approximately two minutes).
Thing 1: Is it big?
Me: Well...No. One down.
Hubs: OMG, you can't ask that, you need to start more general, like is it bigger than something you think is big, because size is relative.
Thing 2 [BLURTING]: IS IT BIGGER THAN AN ELEPHANT?
Me: No. Two down.
Hubs: Ok, it's smaller than an elephant, but how small, we need to pick something...
Thing 3: Is it smaller than a tiny mouse?
Me: Haha: No. Three down.
Hubs: You have to slow down! We need to be more specific, we don't even know...
Thing 1: Is it bigger than a bike?
Me: Whose bike? And is the bike standing normal or up on its tire?
Thing 1: Mine [suddenly cut off]...
Thing 2: Is it a dinosaur?
Me: No. And it's about the size of a bike on its tire. Two more down for five...
Hubs: Please! Stop, we need to work together!
Thing 1: Is it in our livingroom?
Hubs: NO! We first need to determine if it's an inside or outside thing. We may not even have it in our home, and that question just got wasted!
Me: It is not in our living room, six. [I begin to chuckle at this point]
Thing 2: Is it in our kitchen?
Hubs: [FACEPALM]
Me: No, seven.
Thing 1: Oh, I get it, Daddy. Is it outside?
Me: Yes. Eight.
Thing 3: IS IT AN ALIEN?!?
Crickets. I swear there were crickets. Where on earth did that come from? I suppose Aliens are smaller than elephants and larger than tiny mice...but who is to say? She looked around as if we didn't hear her and shouts one more time, "AN ALIEN, YOU KNOW LIKE OUT IN THE UNIVERSE? IT'S AN ALIEN!" At this point, she looks around the table as her family is ALL staring at her mouth agape. She shrugs her little five-year-old shoulders, "What? I just wonder about the aliens, you know?"
Some how, the game resumed after the awkward silence and they all banded together to figure out a snowman on their 20th and final guess. But still...I've started to wonder about the aliens now, myself.
On the rare and special occasion that the five of us pack up and hit a restaurant, I expect my kids to be on their best behavior. They do not bring toys into a restaurant, and we don't check our phones repeatedly. It's a special occasion for the love of God...we need to treat it as such. To keep little ones entertained, we rely on some good old fashioned fun while waiting for our meal (and therefore learning patience while fostering our imaginations). Normally we play I spy, but Wednesday we ventured into new territory: 20 Questions.
Since I was explaining the game to my older two while the hubs took our youngest potty, I got to think of 'the thing'. I should have seen it coming, as he's a little less skilled in the art of herding cats than I (his strengths in our duo lie in other avenues...such as patience). This is the Cliff Notes version of how the game went (all in the span of approximately two minutes).
Thing 1: Is it big?
Me: Well...No. One down.
Hubs: OMG, you can't ask that, you need to start more general, like is it bigger than something you think is big, because size is relative.
Thing 2 [BLURTING]: IS IT BIGGER THAN AN ELEPHANT?
Me: No. Two down.
Hubs: Ok, it's smaller than an elephant, but how small, we need to pick something...
Thing 3: Is it smaller than a tiny mouse?
Me: Haha: No. Three down.
Hubs: You have to slow down! We need to be more specific, we don't even know...
Thing 1: Is it bigger than a bike?
Me: Whose bike? And is the bike standing normal or up on its tire?
Thing 1: Mine [suddenly cut off]...
Thing 2: Is it a dinosaur?
Me: No. And it's about the size of a bike on its tire. Two more down for five...
Hubs: Please! Stop, we need to work together!
Thing 1: Is it in our livingroom?
Hubs: NO! We first need to determine if it's an inside or outside thing. We may not even have it in our home, and that question just got wasted!
Me: It is not in our living room, six. [I begin to chuckle at this point]
Thing 2: Is it in our kitchen?
Hubs: [FACEPALM]
Me: No, seven.
Thing 1: Oh, I get it, Daddy. Is it outside?
Me: Yes. Eight.
Thing 3: IS IT AN ALIEN?!?
Crickets. I swear there were crickets. Where on earth did that come from? I suppose Aliens are smaller than elephants and larger than tiny mice...but who is to say? She looked around as if we didn't hear her and shouts one more time, "AN ALIEN, YOU KNOW LIKE OUT IN THE UNIVERSE? IT'S AN ALIEN!" At this point, she looks around the table as her family is ALL staring at her mouth agape. She shrugs her little five-year-old shoulders, "What? I just wonder about the aliens, you know?"
Some how, the game resumed after the awkward silence and they all banded together to figure out a snowman on their 20th and final guess. But still...I've started to wonder about the aliens now, myself.
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