Recently, I looked over at my incredibly cute son. I realized that he needed a few new wardrobe items to be ready for our family pictures this year. I asked if he wanted to go shopping with me – you know, spend some quality Mommy – Noah time. This kid was ecstatic. He loves to shop. Sometimes, I worry for him.
…and then it happened. We were in our second store of the day, trying to find him the perfect new hoodie. Something appropriate for a four-year-old, yet rugged & manly with a hint of metro. Yes, this describes this little bundle of naughty perfectly. We found a brown zip-up number with wooly fleece inside the hood and some football-style numbers on the front. He was in love. I was content to wander around the rest of the store, which is when this whole mess began.
This kid has a homing beacon for hot moms. I really don’t know what it is. It would be terribly funny IF it weren’t my kid, or even IF I could figure out where he gets this crap from. In any case…he eyeballed himself a hottie. I’m going to say mid-30’s or so. Blonde. She’s pushing a stroller with the carrier in it, so you can tell her kid is a baby. He saddles right up to her, and I’m powerless to stop what happens next.
He leans over and looks into the stopped carriage. “Is that your baby? Your baby is soooooo beautiful!” He bats his incredibly long eyelashes while looking up at this woman with sheer admiration. She stops riffling through clothes on the rack to ask him, “Aren’t you the cutest thing?” I want to die of mortification. He does not stop there….no, no.
“Really, this is the most beautiful baby ever. You are a very lucky Mommy. Do you mind if I touch (he’s guessing now b/c I know he’s not really learned about gender color differences) him? “ At this point, he doesn’t wait for a response but gently caresses the baby’s head. “Ohhh, he’s so soft and so sweet.” At this point, I think this mother is completely in love with my son, and that I just might have to puke into my purse. I might have actually made gagging sounds, b/c for the first time this Mom looks right at me.
“Your son is the most adorable little boy ever! He’s so sweet & polite…”
I cut her off, “And hitting on you.” She looks at me puzzled. I continue, “Yes, hitting on you…as in trying to pick you up, then ask if you want to come over for a slumber party [insert now my son staring at me gape mouthed b/c I’m giving away all his secret moves]. No, I’m not kidding. That duplicitous little cutie right there is what we call a Cougar Chaser…and you were just pounced upon.” With that, I snatched his hand and headed for the front of the store.
As a parting moment of closure, he yells over his shoulder to the mom standing there watching in mute horror as she just allowed herself to get picked up by a four-year-old, “But he really is the cutest baby ever. Maybe I’ll see you again!” OMG. I pray to the contrary. Lord help us all…
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