My Kitchen Psychosis

After much ado, my husband and I decided to re-do our kitchen.  It's a bold move.  It will (when added to everything else we've updated) out price our house right out of our neighborhood.  We're ok with that.  We decided our first home is going to be our forever home...I brought my babies home here.  Let's just say I have attachment issues.

There are a few things I've discovered in life.  One of which is: that the only two things that can easily and single-handedly destroy a marriage are babies and house renovating.  See, with the babies, you have no sleep.  Your partner has no sleep.  You're frazzled and living in an altered reality.  It changes when they start sleeping through the night.  You need to be mindful to say things like, "I'm sorry."  "I didn't mean that."  "That came out wrong."  Not easy to do when you've got spit up on your clothes, smushed crackers in your hair and you've not slept for 6 days...

...And then there is remodeling.  Your stuff is moved.  You can't go in places in your own home.  There are strangers making noise all the time.  I've found it to be stressful, and they weren't even in my kitchen.  My sanctity.  Oh boy.

I call designers.  I'm getting estimates.  I'm working on layout and counter choices and all that fun stuff.  And I don't find it fun, but it occupies my time.  What do I find the funnest?  Funnest?  Most fun?  AHA!  Ridiculously entertaining!  ...is terrifying these designers!

"And we could put a Lazy Susan here."
"No."
"No?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because it will lead to my inevitable divorce..."
[blank stares]
...sigh

I'm a realist.  I know my limitations as a human being.  A Lazy Susan is beyond my self-control capacity.  No.  Let me enlighten you.  I'm an anal neat freak.  I live with a full grown closet slob (means he looks put together to the ppl outside our home) and three small children.  I'm fully aware that I'm a PITA to live with.  But we have a system, and it works for us.  There is harmony.  It will end with YOUR Lazy Susan.

"Here's how a LS goes down:  I will spend five+ hours organizing it to perfection.  There will be some alphabetization.  Possibly sorting by size and/or color.  Day two will see my husband pulling out the peanut butter and putting it back where the hell ever HE wants.  Kids will enjoy the spinning.  SPINNY SPIN!  Things will get knocked over.  One day, three months from now, when it takes me seven hours to find kidney beans, I will lose it.  I will sit on the floor to remove everything from the LS.  I will swear to myself.  I will begin to swear increasingly louder with escalating boldness and each utterance will be more colorful than the last.  I will begin to yell at my family.  Megalomaniacy will set in.  My lunacy will terrify the children and my husband will have to shush them & leave the house.  I will restore the LS back to its former original glory.

This cycle will repeat itself every three to six months.  It's the sad reality of our natures.  For the preservation of my marriage NO LAZY SUSANS!"

I've taken perverse pleasure in their stunned and wide eyed faces.  It almost makes me giddy.  I begin trying to see their notes to see what-else I can frighten them over.  Is that so wrong?  It's honest.  I can't have a LS.  Single Cathy can, but Super Mom & Wife Cathy cannot.  It's a horrible tragedy.

So, in case you were wondering what I've been doing to while away my time the last month or so...there you have it.  Anything else you'd like to suggest for my kitchen???