Inna Wata!

Recently, my husband & I were invited out on a local harbor cruise with some friends. The cruise was touted as being a Jamaican cruise. My friends are Jamaican. There was reggae, there was bumping, there was curried goat, there was no rum punch…I was disappointed. I digress. Let me describe Liv. Liv is a (this is an official Jamaican term, btw) BIG DOOD – he’s about 6’5”, braided hair, with a charming and easy-going smile. His wife, Thalia, always looks like she is up to trouble. Of course, this means that she & I get along extremely well – even if she still thinks she is in the motherland and drives on the wrong side of the road from time to time. I've learned to wear a seat belt.

Prior to departing my house, she informs me of the monumental importance of this trip; as Liv is afraid of the water. He cannot swim. “In fact, “ she says, “probably 90% of Jamaicans can’t swim.” I don’t laugh at her joke…if only I knew then [shaking head]. We park the car. I ask what boat we are taking. “Di Titanic” is growled at me from somewhere in the front seat. Ok….these folk certainly are weird. But, hey! I dig culture as much as the next person…not to mention Rum Punch. We board the boat.

I notice that not many people are near the side of the boat. In fact, everyone kind of congregates right in the middle of the boat. The boat pitches gently, and a few shouts of, “Lawd Gad! Hav mercy!” can be heard, and I am struck dumfounded. These people really ARE afraid of the water! We sit down, and I lean across the table to Thalia, “You were born on an island for God’s sake…how can none of you [looking around] NONE OF YOU?!?! swim?” She stares at me and answers plain as day that most do not expect to have to swim off the island at any point in their lives. Again, I’m rendered speechless.

Liv joins us. He immediately notes the lifejackets over in the cabinets on the side of the main room, “Di life jacket dem ova deh so.” He looks petrified. At this point, I’ve already come to learn there is no rum punch aboard this vessel, and now I take it out on Liv, “Right. Also notice how many people are on the Titanic here…and how many preservers there are. I’m not good with numbers, but I suspect som di fok be gwon over wit no jacket.” [Thalia loves when I attempt Liv’s accent, and I love that I even understood what the hell he said.] We all get up for a bit.

I found myself randomly asking folks if they could swim. The resounding answer was, “NO!” People stared at me goggle-eyed before moving on…Fascinating. As the evening wore on, the hubs & I found ourselves on the side of the bow, facing the serene & tranquil water. I took a load off and sat on the railing for the briefest of moments. I must have had 15 people shout at me from various distances (depending on their direct fears of coming too close to the crazy woman who might jump), “Wat ye do? Git offa dere! CHO!” I’m sick in the head…at this point, I’d hook my leg onto the railing and lean over hollering, “Ruuuuuuuum Punnnnnnnnnch!” People screamed and darted away. I don’t know that I’ll be invited back.