Mary Had a Little Lamb

Quite possibly the world’s greatest invention, IMHO, is The Sleep Sheep. This enchantingly soft, fluffy and lovable character restored the sanity to my home countless times. See: people are Pavlovian. Provide constant stimuli and we’ll continually furnish you with the same response. And for the most part, infants are just little people. Stimulus/response…stimulus/response (already I’ve noted you’re drooling).

A newborn cries, little bundle gets changed and fed, and finally the wee bairn is lulled to sleep by Mommy’s gentle touch and the constant sounds of Sleep Sheep’s riveting yet monotonous racket. Soon, said tot needs less lulling by Mommy and can rely exclusively upon the gentle cocoon of security afforded by the TOTALLY life-like whale sounds. Seriously?!? Whale sounds… I attended R.I.T., needless to say, it sounds less like “Whale sounds” (which I’ve never actually heard) than it does deaf people having sex (which I actually HAVE heard), but who am I to judge the sick sense of humor afforded the Sleep Sheep manufacturers.

Sleep Sheep is so amazing that not only does she put cranky babies to sleep, Sleep Sheep can work her magic on grown-ups alike. Hell, Sleep Sheep, blared loud enough can out deaf-sex any sniveling bundle of joy – especially at 3am. Wait, that just doesn’t sound right. Sleep Sheep can out whale any wailing nipper – no matter the time of day! Yes, that’s much better…

Sleep Sheep is my BFF. Once a long term sufferer of insomnia, I rest quite well now. I can crawl into bed, turn on Sleep Sheep with her preposterous white noise and [well, so I’ve been informed] sleep straight through my husband coming upstairs, turning on all the lights in our room, smashing his foot into his dirty clothes basket and the ensuing swearing, flip on Transformers (the movie) to at least volume 24, brush his teeth, rearrange the entire left side of our bed, pull the blankets off of me, unceremoniously fling himself onto the mattress and fart loudly. [that’s always the best one the next morning – “I even farted really loud, and God did it smell…but you didn’t even budge.” Yes, honey – you’re a prize.] Thank you, Sleep Sheep.

Many times, while looking back on my childrens’ infancy fondly, I’m forced to wonder: how on earth did I withstand the awesome power of Sleep Sheep back then and not drop the baby on their little noodle? Wistfully, I turn my attention back to my kids playing in the driveway. Two of them are wearing helmets for no reason, other than, “We like helmets, Mommy.” While the third could possibly be the poster child for birth control…and I’m confounded. How many times DID I drop them due to Sleep Sheep’s seductive allure? On second thought…curse you Sleep Sheep…CURSE YOU!